Desi Friendly Boundaries

Why is setting boundaries for Desi’s so complicated?

There are many reasons. For one, unlike most Western/individualistic cultures, our style of communication is different. We do not have a direct communication style, it is indirect. Some of our parents may even speak to us in proverbs. But indirect doesn’t necessarily mean dysfunctional.
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For many children of immigrants it is challenging to navigate living in two worlds with different communication styles and different social norms. Spending most of our lives in school or watching TV we have picked up more the norms of our host country, but our parents expect us to operate within the norms of a collectivistic culture.
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Most of the boundary setting suggestions you see on social media or read from mental health professionals are written for people who operate within the norms of Western or individualistic cultures.
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At the core we believe that boundaries are integral to mental health; however, for those of us who have families that operate within collectivistic social norms, we need to learn how to set boundaries that are also compatible with our culture and communication style. Because most of us still wish to keep healthy relationships with our families.
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We do not have to necessarily speak in code or in proverbs, but you will find speaking indirectly, matter of fact, with a “no big deal” tone or with humor, works far better than direct or serious tones which can be taken offensively. Direct and serious tones are respected in Western cultures not desi cultures.
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People who have grown up in collectivistic societies can become pros at honoring their own needs and that of the greater community without being offensive. Children of immigrants may need a little bit more guidance. I’ve come up a few that might be helpful, but my goal was to help you start thinking of ways that maybe less direct but still helps you get your needs met. Schedule with us here if setting boundaries with your loved ones have been a struggle and cost you your mental peace.

If you understand urdu/hindi (or a combination of english/urdu/hindi) here is a great video on understanding and setting boundaries: