By: Sarah Sodano LMFT-A & Afshana Haque, PhD, LMFT-S
One of the toughest parts of being a parent is raising a teenager. Biologically, teenagers are going through a multitude of changes both mind and body. They’re starting to see the world in a more complex way that’s confusing and intimidating. And with access to information and media more than ever before, parenting teens have become infinitely complex. Those of us who are children of immigrant parents (or immigrants ourselves), we realize that the way we were parented does not work with our kids. We sometimes feel lost not having a reliable parenting blueprint.
Teens are developing their own sense of self and are excited to take on the world. When your teens want more freedom it can lead to arguments, when you want to protect them and ensure they maintain family and religious values. For example, when teenagers want more time away from the family to develop their own identity, parents may feel their children are pulling away from them. The more parents try to reel them back in, the more teens feel like their parents are being overbearing, oftentimes creating bitter, endless cycles of conflict.
The truth is your teen still needs you, and probably more than ever before… just in a different way. So, how do you teach them to maintain family and religious values, avoid painful conflict cycles and develop a close and genuine connection? These 5 tips below will help you get started in the right direction.
- Effective Communication is Key
Just like in all relationships, in the parent-teen relationship communication is key. Your influence shifts when your child becomes a teenager, therefore the structure of parenting also needs to change. You are now their mentor, just as you were when you taught them how to walk and ride a bike. They learned those skills through experience, trusting you to pick them up when they fall. Learning to manage life is more difficult, but the approach is still the same. You didn’t do it for them, you taught them how and guided them through the process. Guiding your child throughout their teenage years, and increasing the likelihood that your child will accept your guidance requires connection through effective communication. But what does effective communication entail? 3 things: emotional regulation, active listening & empathic responding. Skills we help parents and teens successfully develop during therapy sessions.
- Connect through Active Listening
Active listening is not as intuitive as we may think. To implement this skill, listen without interruption to your teenager’s concerns. Once they are done, validate their feelings, offer a summary of what they said and add how you would feel if you were in their shoes. This will demonstrate true empathy & understanding towards their experience. As a first response, avoid giving them advice, telling them how to do things differently or negating their feelings. This will provide the emotional safety they need to talk to you and ease any hesitation your teen may have in approaching you. When you spend enough time in the active listening phase, the opportunity for offering advice will come naturally. They will even seek you out! Modeling open communication also teaches your teen valuable relationship and life skills.
- Compromise & Negotiate
Your teenager will question rules, push boundaries, and say things like ‘it’s not fair.’ This is a healthy part of adolescent development. Listen to their concerns and reasonings, then (if appropriate), negotiate and come up with a compromise together. In these moments, how they learn to stand up for their needs with you is how they will behave with authority in the outside world. On the flip side, raising teens who are obedient without question will only act in a similar manner when they are faced with conflicting circumstances outside the home. For immigrant and/or Muslim parents, it is likely that many religious and cultural values inside the home do not match up with the values outside the home. In this case and in general, you want your teen to question things that don’t feel fair and you definitely want them to question things that don’t align with their values. Their interactions with you can teach them how to do so, respectfully and with limits.
- Discipline in a Gentle yet Firm & Consistent Manner
Open communication, trust and respect are essential to disciplining teens. The first rule of thumb is detaching any of your own emotions (article on emotional regulation coming soon!) and avoid criticizing their character or personality in the process ie. good girls don’t do things like this, or I am so hurt by what you did etc. Talk with them about their behavior and remind them in a matter of fact fashion that every behavior has a consequence. Focus on value misalignment rather than personal failure. Finally, when assigning a consequence, discuss or help them understand why the consequence of their behavior is reasonable. With older or mature teens, we recommend negotiating consequences. Their input in the consequence gives a sense of agency and increases likelihood of follow through.
Being consistent with gentle-yet-firm disciplining techniques teaches teens accountability and responsibility in a manner that supports their brain development. Mistakes are both unavoidable, and necessary to improve behaviors when handled appropriately. Remember that teens still need help in processing the consequences of all their actions, good and bad. An emotionally safe, patient and empathic listening ear is an important part of that process. If they do not get it from their parents’ they will seek it out elsewhere.
- Connect at a Human Level: Share your Stories
Your teenager is starting to see you as a human being, not just as a parent. And as human beings, parents make mistakes. Take accountability for your mistakes and apologize to them when appropriate. This will be the best way to ensure they will do the same. As flawed human beings, have conversations with them about struggles in your own life and how you deal with them. The more you are open and honest about your own struggles, the more they will believe that you can connect with theirs. This process will be the starting point for creating the pathway you need for a genuine connection and open communication. Another general rule of thumb with teens is that they will do as you do and not as you say, especially when it comes to religious values and Islamic rituals. If you want to impart a strong religious foundation, solidify your own practice first. Even better, grow together as a family and again, be transparent about your struggles with each other.
Final Note: Don’t forget Self Compassion!
Remember, parenting a teen is just a difficult as being a teen. You are learning together and the more you include your teen in the process, the easier it will be to connect with them. Trust both in your parenting skills and your teenager. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re doing the best you can. The more compassion you give to yourself them more gently you will be able to approach your teen. It is mercy and compassion that are the most irresistible means to connection and guidance. When you feel like it’s not going anywhere or it’s not enough, it might be time to try something else and seek professional guidance. We are here for you whenever you are ready.
Dr. Afshana Haque & Associates, PLLC 